


can you see me using everything to hold back?

by awkwardatfirstsight



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F, everyone is some kind of gay bc I said so, if u squint you can see some Blair/Hannah B, post-Season 1, sterling being a disaster bi, sterling being a lovesick puppy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26517901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardatfirstsight/pseuds/awkwardatfirstsight
Summary: So, Sterling bit her tongue. She held those three words back. April could make the first move on that front.A.K.A. the one where Sterling tries her best not to say I love you too early.Yes. The title is from Bags by Clairo!
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley, Blair Wesley & Sterling Wesley, Blair Wesley/Hannah B, Ezekiel/The Gay Drama
Comments: 92
Kudos: 332





	1. Holy Macaroni - The Revelation

**Author's Note:**

> yes, I should be writing my actual homework project but instead I wrote this bc TBH lives in my head rent free. 
> 
> also this first chapter is more Sterling and Blair, but I swear it will be more Sterling/April in the next few.
> 
> (this is _months_ after s1. they are back together and sterling has def been going to therapy. good for her!!!)

Sterling doesn’t even remember what it was she said. All she knows is it made April laugh and the sound of her giggles filtering through FaceTime straight into Sterling's heart made her stomach flutter. She stops breathing for a second and just takes in the sight of April on her phone screen. April covers her mouth trying to stay quiet to not wake her parents.

April looks soft. Her hair spread out on her pillow. Lights dim. Her smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. Giggles dying down as she catches her breath. Sterling wants to reach out and touch her through the screen. To tuck hair behind her ear and whisper something else to hear that laugh again in person.

The words fly to the tip of Sterling’s tongue. Begging to be let out. _I love you._

_Holy Macaroni. She loves April._

Sterling’s heart clenches. She wants to say it so bad. But this isn’t the time. Not on FaceTime. 

Even if April was here laying down next to her, it wouldn’t be the right time. It’s too soon. Way too soon. They only just got past everything after the lock-in. From April’s apology to Sterling explaining the bounty hunter situation. Both of them laying everything out. No secrets.

It only took a month before they found themselves in the backseat of the Volt again. It felt new between them all over again. Sterling felt like this time around everything felt like _more._ Her feelings were bigger, shinier, brighter, deeper. Overwhelming.

If there’s anything Sterling knows for certain about April it’s that she likes to be in control of everything. Fellowship. School projects. Forensics... Emotions. 

Last time she said too much too soon. She pushed too hard and got burned. The lock-in wasn’t that long ago. Fresh in her memory.

So, Sterling bit her tongue. She held those three words back. April could make the first move on that front.

“Sterl?”

Sterling blinked. “Hmm, what? Sorry. I spaced.”

April giggles softly. Sterling’s heart fluttered again. “I noticed. I said it’s getting late. We should get some sleep. You look tired.”

Sterling nodded even though she felt wide awake after a certain revelation. She looked at the time. 12:32AM. “Oh, yeah. Okay.”

“Did you want to leave FaceTime on or--”

“No!” April looks at Sterling confused at the outburst, “I uh, my phone is about to die anyways. But I’ll see you tomorrow?”

April nodded and flashed her lopsided grin at Sterling. “Goodnight, Sterl.”

“G-Goodnight. I- I L- like… talking to you.” Sterling’s voice sounded stuck in her throat. 

April smirks at her, just the slightest bit confused. “I enjoy speaking with you too.”

“Mmhmm.” Sterling cringed at how high pitched it came out. Wow… this was gonna be harder than she thought.

They blew kisses to each other through the phone before the call ended and Sterling finally remembered to breathe.

Sterling set her phone down and flopped back on her bed. 

_She loves April. She loves her!_

She covered her face with her hands. “Fuuuuuuuuck.” She snaps to sit upright and looked up to the sky, “Sorry, I had to.”

Sterling jumps out of her bed. Determination set. She needs to tell someone. She storms through the bathroom into Blair’s room.

When she flings the door open Blair shrieks. A voice on her phone asks what’s wrong before Blair cuts the call. Sterling runs and jumps onto the bed.

“Have you ever heard of knocking?”

“Who was that?”

“Nobody.” Sterling raises her eyebrows. Blair doesn’t budge… But unfortunately, her phone betrays her. Both of their eyes snap to the screen as it buzzes with an incoming text.

_Hannah B: It’s okay. I’m scared of the dark too. :)_

“Hannah B?”

“We’re working together on a project. It-- doesn’t matter.”

“At midnight?”

“It was the only time she could… text… You know Hannah B. she’s…. Unique.” Blair’s cheeks are quickly turning red.

“Unique?” Sterling grinned. Blair glares at her to drop it.

“What was so important that you had to burst through my doors and give me heart failure?”

“I love April.”

“Seriously, Sterling? That’s what you have to say?! I don’t want to hear anymore about how you love April’s stupid smile any more. I get enough of that at school--”

“No, Blair. I’m in love with April.”

Blair turns to look at Sterling in shock. “Like… in _love_ love. Like, how Luke felt about you love?” Sterling grimaces at the analogy but nods anyway. “Wow… Well, spill. What happened? Did you have phone sex or something.”

“Ew, Blair!”

“Oh cool it, Virgin Mary, the walls aren’t that thick. I can hear you both making kissy sounds and talking about how much you miss each other's smell… It’s gross.”

Sterling blushes. 

“So what was it? Did she say some big fancy word that made your vagina scream ‘Ugh, April! You're so smart. I love you’?” Blair loudly moans. Sterling somehow turns a brighter shade of red.

“Stop!”

“Well, what was it?”

Sterling rolls to hide her face in a pillow. The words come out muffled, “She’s just so pretty! And she laughed at something I said and I don’t know it just clicked.”

“She laughed? That’s it? Wow, you gays are so easy. It’s like one simple glance or brush of the hand and you’re ready to get married.”

Sterling sits upright, “Bi, Blair.”

Blair throws her body over Sterling. “Noooo, don't leave. I promise I’ll be quiet and just listen.”

“No. Bi. I’m bisexual.”

Blair sits upright, “I thought you didn’t want to label?”

“I just... It-- the word feels right, you know?”

Blair nods for a long time…. Maybe a bit too long. “Yeah… actually. Um… how did you know? That you, uh, liked girls- I mean April.”

Sterling blushes. Memories of a hand gripping her arm and a certain janitors closet flash through her mind. Blair doesn’t need to know that. “It’s just uh. It was just kinda an epiphany.”

Blair nods. She looks deep in thought for a moment. “Are you gonna tell April?”

Sterling frowns, “I think she knows I’m bi. Otherwise we wouldn’t be… you know…”

“Not that. That you love her, idiot.”

“Oh. No.”

“Why not? She’s clearly just as into you.”

“I cannot be the first to say it. Remember how great last time went for me when I just asked to hold hands.”

“And come out to the world--”

“Okay, yes... and that, but, like… I can't tell her now, it’s too soon. She’ll drop off the face of the earth faster that Taylor Lautner after Twilight.”

"Whatever did happen to him?"

"I have no idea!"

“So you’re just gonna what? Hold it in.”

“I guess.”

“That’s not gonna last long. You suck at hiding anything from April."

“I know. It’s like I see her and the thoughts just come out of my mouth before I know I’m saying them." 

"Remember when you accidentally watched that episode of Killing Eve without her and I told you to just pretend you hadn't seen it? You cried and told her before you even pressed play. Sterl, how are you gonna keep this from her?"

"It'll be fine. I can have a filter." Blair raises her eyebrows, unconvinced. "I can!"

“Why don't you just rip the bandaid and tell her? If she's mean I can beat her up for you. I’ve been watching Terrance’s self defense series on YouTube and--”

“That’s it!” 

“Wait, you’re actually gonna let me beat her up.” Blair smiles, “I’m gonna be honest, I’ve wanted to take a good swing since the lock-in but you forgave her so quickly--” 

“No! But you can hit me! If you think I’m gonna slip and say it you can just slap me or something.”

“I don’t want to slap you! It’s like slapping the other half of me.”

“I don’t care! Promise me if I’m about to say it you’ll stop me.” Sterling sticks her pinky out to Blair.

Blair grumbles but locks her pinky with Sterling's… “Twin swear.”

They snuggle together on the bed. Sterling grins mischievously, “Sooooo…. Hannah B.” Blair grabs a pillow and whacks Sterling in the face.

“I take it back, I can’t wait to slap you in front of Stevens tomorrow within five seconds of you seeing her.”


	2. Invasion of the Bodysnatchers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sterling first day seeing April at school post-realization is distracting to say the least...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooo another week another update. this one is a bit longer.
> 
> Ahhh!! thank you all for reading and commenting on the last chapter! it made me smile so much!! I am used to writing in screenplay format so i'm glad to hear that my narrative format wasn't horrible lol... that being said, if u see a grammar/spelling error in this... no u didn't ❤️

Blair was wrong. It didn’t take five seconds after seeing April for Sterling to get slapped.

It took seven. Which, _yes,_ while short is still _longer_ than Blair claimed.

And _really,_ it’s not Sterling’s fault. How can you blame her when she woke up to a text from April.

_April: Dreamt of you xx. See you soon._

She can’t text back. Not trusting her fingers to not type out _i love you._ Instead, she just had to stare at the message with a warm feeling in her chest and a stupid smile on her face… that is until Blair burst into her room and chucked a shoe at her head claiming she can sense the lovey-dovey thoughts from the other room. 

Sterling ducked the shoe, but she couldn’t duck getting read like a book by Blair. So she shoved her phone away and got ready. Ignoring when Blair ran through a shadow boxing routine to “warm-up her muscles” for when she would inevitably have to hit Sterling when they see April.

So what was Sterling supposed to do? Not spend the entire drive to school thinking about what the dream could have been? Not lost her mind over the fact that April _dreamt_ of her?

Did she nearly run a freshman over in the parking lot? Yes. But _really,_ it’s April’s fault.

Okay… maybe it was _partially_ due to the fact that she is _somewhat_ of a reckless driver. So what if she had only gotten her license because she had taken the test so many times the proctor just gave it to her in fear of their own life had she needed to come back again. It was _definitely_ more April’s fault than anything.

So it took seven seconds from Sterling walking into the halls and setting her eyes on April before she felt _the words_ bubbling inside of her followed by a harsh punch to her arm courtesy of Blair.

“Pull it together,” Blair whispered as April walked towards them with her signature smile. 

“Hi, April!” Sterling spoke louder than she anticipated. Blair pinched her arm and Sterling hit her hand away.

April frowned in confusion at the pinching. “Hi, Sterling… and Blair.” She spoke softly. Sterling’s heart speeds up at her name. A dumb smile making its way across Sterling’s face. 

“Can we help you?” Blair broke the silence.

“Yes. I wanted to invite you both to sit with us at lunch.” April spoke carefully. Sterling’s eyes don’t leave her lips as they quirked into a smirk when April noticed.

“I, uhhh… What?” Sterling blinked rapidly.

“There you are!” Ezekiel and Hannah B approach the group, “I thought we were supposed to be meeting at fellowship to go over the…” Ezekiel trails off when he notices the twins. He narrows his eyes in confusion, “You’re talking to the Wesley’s?”

April tenses and turns to Ezekiel, “Yes. I am asking if they want to sit at our table at lunch.”

Ezekiel reaches a new level of confusion at that, “You want to have lunch--” April silences him with a bristling glare.

“Hi, Blair.” Hannah smiles. Unaware of the tension between her friends. 

“Hi, Hannah.” Blair blushes.

Everyone in the group frowns at the lack of B after Hannah. The sound so foreign to everyone in their year. 

“What in the Hell?” Ezekiel mutters. 

April hits him, “Don’t say that.” 

“I think God will forgive me given the shock I am in.” 

They stare at Blair and Hannah. Neither aware of the eyes on them.

“Did you sleep after?...” Hannah trails off.

“After?” Ezekiel mutters. Eyes darting between the girls.

“Yeah, I…” Blair notices the eyes on them. Everyone’s eyes except for Sterling, that is. Who is still too busy staring at April and her perfect posture and the way her hair falls on her shoulders and the-- Blair bumps her shoulder and clears her throat loudly. Breaking the trance. “What do you think, Sterl? Should we bless the Holy Trinity with our presence today?”

“Huh, yeah. Um, of course.” Sterling nods. April smirks.

“Great. Then it’s settled.” April nods. Her and Sterling hold eye contact. Sterling doesn’t even realize that she’s moving closer to April, like some kind of magnetic force pulling her in, until Blair grabs her arm. 

“What is happening?” Ezekiel looks between the four girls. Bewildered. He turns to Hannah B, “Hannah B, pinch me because this must be some weird alternate reality dream I am living in.”

“Ezekiel we don’t have a reality show.” Hannah B responds. She gives his cheek a pinch. Blair giggles.

Ezekiel pushes Hannah’s hand away. “Girl, that is not what I said. And never touch my face with your oily hands again.”

“Her hands aren’t oily!” Blair blurts. 

“And you know this how?” Ezekiel smirks.

“I… She’s let me use her hand sanitizer before. And it’s uhh oil-free.” 

“Oil-free?” Ezekiel raises an eyebrow.

“And it smells like pineapples. Here, smell!” Hannah B puts her hand out towards Ezekiel who swats it away.

“Which is arguably the best fruit,” Blair adds.

Hannah B rummages through her bag. “Here, you can try some, Ezekiel.” Ezekiel puts a hand over hers and shakes his head.

April and Sterling, both too invested in their own staring contest to pay attention to the others. Blair steps on Sterling’s foot. “Ouch, Blair!”

April clears her throat and grins, “I’ll see you at lunch then, Sterling.” 

“And me!” Blair blurts.

April's grin hardens a bit, “and… you, Blair.” Sterling giggles.

April snaps and the rest of the Trinity follows her as she saunters away. 

And really, who could blame Sterling if her glance falls a little bit lower than may be acceptable in the halls of Willingham.

“You are hopeless.”

Sterling’s eyes snap to Blair’s face. But Blair’s not even looking at her, she’s too busy waving to Hannah B who keeps turning to wave back as she follows April down the hall. Blair’s twin/sister/cousin senses in full effect because she _just knows_ exactly where Sterling’s eyes are trailing.

“I am not.”

“You hardly said a word. You were too busy staring at her lips and imagining they were on your--”

“Okay, Blair!” Sterling blushes. She catches eyes with April as she turns at the end of the hall. She can’t help but smile. Then April honest-to-God winks at her and suddenly her legs feel like jelly.

Blair scoffs “There’s no way you make it through lunch. Not after you’ll have to sit behind her in Spanish and thinking about how much you’d rather--”

“So does the B in Hannah B stand for Blair now or what?”

“W-what?” Blair’s eyes widen. Sterling smirks in victory and leaves a stunned Blair behind her scurrying to catch up. “That doesn’t even make sense, Sterling!”

**********

Sterling doesn’t see the text until she reaches her desk in Spanish and takes her phone out to turn it off. 

_April: You look breathtaking today._

And another directly below it.

_April: Not that you don’t steal my breath away every day. But today you are particularly captivating._

Sterling can’t help the grin that comes to her face. Maybe Blair was right. She’s hopeless. Because she loves April and the way she chooses her words so carefully.

Sterling looks up as April walks in. When she catches her eye. April blushes and quickly takes her seat. Sterling stares at the back of her head. Then types back.

_Sterling: ur ridiculously pretty!! like its unfair i cant think straight around you_

_Sterling: literally lol_

_Sterling: i cant wait for lunch. xx_

April pulls her phone from her pocket at the three back to back texts and smiles. She twirls her hair and feels Sterling’s eyes follow the movement.

“Carolina. Abril. No teléfonos en clase.”

“Lo siento.” They both speak in sync as they quickly put their phones away.

Sterling doesn’t hear a single thing Senora O'Reilly says. Again… The fault of a certain someone sitting in front of her and constantly running her hands through her hair. Sterling is convinced she’s doing it on purpose now. Like April knows just how crazy she’s making Sterling.

She doesn’t even realize the class is over until April is standing and looking at her expectantly.

“Quieres caminar conmiga a almuerzo?” (Do you want to walk with me to lunch?)

Sterling blinks a few times. Before nodding and shoving the notebook that she didn’t even bother to write in all class into her bag.

Sterling walks down the hall next to April and she can feel herself holding her breath every time their hands “accidentally” brush against each other. It’s overwhelming being near April. She can smell April’s perfume and she swears she can feel her body heat. And all she can think about is how she wants to take April’s hand and whisper “I love you.”

Her thoughts are broken when April’s hand wraps around her wrist and pulls her abruptly into a janitor's closet. Before Sterling can even process the feeling of April gripping her wrist and the sound of a lock clicking she is being kissed senseless.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” April whispers against her lips.

And _oh, fuck._ She’s gonna say it. But luckily before she can say anything April kisses her again. Then turns on her heel, unlocks the door, and walks out like nothing happened.

Sterling is left blinking and very flushed in the closet. She fixes her hair and follows out the door.

They are the last two to reach the table and Ezekiel looks relieved to see them. When they sit down he leans toward them to whisper.

“Finally, where have you been? You can’t leave me with dumb and dumber.”

“Hey!” Blair throws a chip at him. Then looks at Sterling. _Really_ looks at her.

Sterling tries to avoid her gaze but it’s too late and Blair activates the Twin Vision

_“Were you making out?”_

_“Huh? No! We were just… practicing some Spanish.”_

_“Oh my-- did you bone?!”_

_“No! We haven’t-- I-- Are you holding hands with Hannah B!?”_

_Blair looks down at their intertwined hands._

_“She-- We--”_

Blair breaks the Twin Vision instead of answering.

Sterling smirks in victory. It doesn’t last long because she realizes that sitting on the same bench as April is dangerous for her sanity. Their legs and arms pressed against each other. April’s perfumes clouding her brain. Then April hooks a foot around one of Sterling’s and Sterling chokes on the sandwich she just took a bite on. April pats her gently on the back and it’s really not helping the situation.

“I got it!” Blair swats April's hand away and thwacks Sterling on the back. She whispers into Sterling's ear, “Stop being a bisexual disaster. You are in public.”

April chances a whisper, “What’s going on with you? Are you okay? You seem distracted.”

Sterling nods, “mmhmm I’m fine.”

April doesn’t look convinced, but she doesn’t get a chance to protest because Ezekiel cuts in. “Okay, seriously. What is going on? It’s like Invasion of the fucking Bodysnatchers up in here.”

“What?” April tenses.

“Language!” Blair and Sterling reprimand simultaneously.

“Whoa! You guys are like twins.” Hannah B smiles in awe. Everyone frowns at her, except Blair who grabs her hand again.

“Girl…” Ezekiel just shakes his head.

“They’re twins Hannah B. You know this. Literally, everybody knows this.” April shakes her head.

“Babe, you didn’t tell me you have a twin.” Hannah leans into Blair.

Ezekiel's eyes practically pop out of his head, “That! That is what I’m talking about. When did that happen!” He exclaims pointing at Hannah and Blair. Then he turns his gaze to Sterling and April, he narrows his eyes as he points between them, “And you two… when did _this_ start happening?”

Sterling feels her chest tighten. _Fuck._ If Ezekiel knows then April is going to run before she even gets the chance to say I love you.

“We just talked through some things and have rekindled our friendship… is that a problem?” April cocks an eyebrow.

Ezekiel looks between the two of them. Still suspicious.

“Besides, Sterling is the only other person at this school with a functioning brain cell.”

Sterling feels the lovestruck smile take over her face.

“I love….” All the eye’s on the table snap to Sterling. She panics and grabs a cookie from her lunch. “Cookies! I love cookies.” Sterling goes to bite into it when Blair slaps it out of her hand.

This time Sterling is the one to activate the Twin Vision.

_“Seriously, Blair!?”_

_“I’m doing what YOU told me to do.”_

_“Well forget I said it. I don’t want any more bruises.”_

_“Oh, so you’re going to tell April then?”_

_“What’s going on with you and Hannah B, huh? Babe?”_

_“I will seriously slap you right now.”_

_“Blair, you know I don’t care if you’re gay or whatever.”_

_“Don’t use my words back at me.”_

_“Fine. I don’t care if you like Hannah B or whatever.”_

_“I’m just… figuring things out right now.”_

_“I love that for you!”_

_“Thank you! Sorry I’ve had to keep slapping you all day. I know it seems like I enjoy it, but I swear I don’t. It physically pains me because I love you so much!”_

_“I love you more!”_

_Blair smirks, “But you love April the most!” Sterling gapes._

Blair breaks the Twin Vision to look at the group. They stare at her, still stunned that she slapped the cookie from Sterling’s hand. Blair laughs, “Sorry… Sterl, just told me she’s trying to stop eating store-bought cookies.”

Sterling laughs along nervously.

“Sterling, do you have a tampon?”

Sterling whips around. Who is this and what have they done with April Stevens?

“I have one, April.” Hannah B grabs her backpack.

“I didn’t ask you, Hannah B.” April snaps, she looks at Sterling again, “Sterling, do you have a tampon?”

“I… uh, yeah. Um…” Sterling grabs her bag. April puts a hand over hers and looks at her and Sterling doesn’t know how but the words tumble out of her mouth, “Actually. I need to change mine too. I’ll go with you.”

“Yeah, I’m out. Y’all are weird.” Ezekiel leaves the table.

April and Sterling stand to leave. Blair burns holes into the side of Sterling’s head until she finally makes eye contact. Que Twin Vision.

_“Change your tampon? Is that your new code for boning April in the janitor’s closet. Ha. In the closet. Literally.” Blair laughs at her own joke._

_“Maybe I have to change my--”_

_“Oh, save it. I know you are not on your period for another two weeks and something tells me neither is Little Miss Perfect. If anything, both you hornballs are ovulating and it’s making you even more--.”_

_“Ovu--You really paid attention in health class didn’t you?”_

_“No. I learned that from YouTube. They don’t teach you anything in health except drugs bad, sex bad, abstinence good! You know you should check the channel out they have some videos on how to have lesbian-- yeah, I know you’re bi, but you know, girl-on-girl action.”_

_“You looked that up?”_

_“I- uhhh… It popped up on the sex-ed playlist.”_

“Sterl.” April broke her from her secret conversation with Blair.

“Coming.” Sterling follows behind April and ignores Blair's mutter of, "You will be."

**********  
April pulled her into the bathroom furthest from where most students ate lunch. All the way back by the math hall. She looks under every stall to check they are alone.

“So I take it you don’t actually need a--”

Sterling doesn’t get to finish the sentence as April launches herself at her lips. Sterling tries and fails to stop a whimper that causes April to smirk against her lips and press her backwards into a stall door. Sterling’s suddenly feeling everything at once. Hyper aware of April’s hands. One rests on her collarbone the other trails down her side to grip her hip.

April pulls away abruptly, “What is going on with Hannah B and Blair?”

Sterling blinks, “What?”

“At lunch. That was weird. And she’s your sister so I assume you would know.”

“You want to talk about my sister… right now… while we’re…”

April looks down at their position. Sterling feels the hand at her hip tighten its grip.

“No. You’re right.” April quickly leans back in to kiss Sterling. Sterling can’t help but laugh at the moment.

With her back pressed to the stall door and April ignoring the giggles escaping between kisses, too set on her mission of kissing Sterling senseless, Sterling knows the words are going to tumble out any second now. 

She tries to keep April's lips on hers. As long as they are kissing Sterling won’t start mumbling incoherently. And as long as Sterling doesn’t mumble incoherently she won’t say the three words that will have April freaking out and leaving her heartbroken in a bathroom.

April moves to her neck. Sighs at the feeling of April’s lips on her pulse point. “I, uh…”

_Fuck._ She bites her tongue and hopes April won’t notice. But it’s April, of course she notices. She pulls away and looks directly into Sterling’s eyes and… _Oh God,_ she looks beautiful and she’s looking at Sterling like she hung the stars in the sky.

“Hmm?” April smirks.

_Maybe it wouldn’t be bad if she just said it._

“I… I L--”

The door to the bathroom flings open. April springs away from Sterling. Swing their heads to the door to see Blair and Hannah B.

“Oh, sorry!” Blair goes to shut the door, but Hannah B steps into the bathroom before she can keep her out. “Han, wait! Let’s go to the other--”

“Sterling, perfect! It turns out I actually don’t have a tampon. Do you still have one?”

“Uhh… yeah.” Sterling rummages through her bag and watches as April leaves the bathroom. Sterling quickly shoves the tampon into Hannah B’s hand and scrambles after April. Blair whispers an apology as she passes.

Sterling expects April to be freaked. They almost got caught. 

She thinks through her reassurances in her head preparing to put the other girl at ease. _Blair already knows! And based on how Hannah B and Blair acted at lunch I think it’s safe to say that it would be hypocritical if they didn't accept them. Even still, they didn’t see anything._

What she doesn’t expect is for April to look her up and down and say, “I think we should go on a date.”

Sterling blinks. “A date? Like to the Fun-Zone? Or the… Volt?”

“No. Something more... Romantic than that. I want to be with you outside of liminal spaces.”

“Lemon all, yeah…” Sterling nods like she understands. April giggles.

“So what do you say? You, me, somewhere that’s not the backseat of your car?”

“I… would love that, April.”

April smiles wide and unrestrained. Sterling’s stomach flips. Her head feels like it’s spinning. She feels overwhelmingly giddy.

She loves April Stevens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! let me know what you think!
> 
> I lurk the TBH twitter on my main and last week saw someone tweet about this fic and Hannah and Blair asdgdhgsjk.... yes, twitter inspired me to write them.
> 
> should I make a stan twitter lmao?


	3. Cumulus Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sterling goes to therapy... and also the date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for continuing to read! I love this fandom and you have inspired me to join stan twitter lol you can find me @lgbtqwrites  
> if u have twitter be my friend!
> 
> also... on an unrelated note. stream Maggie Rogers for your health. and if not for me... do it for Devon aka the biggest Maggie stan

The office is clean and smells like vanilla. A few pieces of art hang on the wall. Ridiculously comfy chairs.

Sterling hated everything about this room the first time she arrived there. Just after… well, _that night._

The first time she came here she didn’t speak a single word until the last five minutes of the session when she blurted out her twin sister is actually her cousin. Nicole nodded and asked her what her definition of a sister was. Why should it be limited to blood? 

Sterling burst into tears and hugged Blair tight when she got into the Volt after.

Every session since has been a relief. She grew to love this room. A safe space where she could cry and rant and be angry at her family. Telling Nicole about what happened that night felt like a weight off her shoulders. Though they never fully touched on what happened that night… Sterling skipped over any parts surrounding a _certain_ girl with perfect diction who broke her heart into pieces. 

She neglected to tell Nicole about her even after they worked through everything. Sterling had used some communication tips from Nicole in that conversation. 

But now Sterling needed advice, and no offense to Blair, but she really isn’t an expert at relationship advice.

“How do you stop yourself from telling someone you love them?”

Nicole raised her eyebrows, “Why do you want to hide your feelings for this person?”

“I don’t… But, I can’t say it yet, you know. It would scare them.”

“How long have you had these feelings for this person?”

“I, uh… Nicole, everything I say here… it’s…”

“I’m not going to say anything, Sterling.” Nicole reassured, “If you don’t want to talk about them we don’t have to, but I’m here to listen.”

Sterling noted the gender-neutral pronoun and the encouraging smile. She took a deep breath

“There’s this girl…” Sterling pauses and bites her lip with worry.

Nicole smiles and nods. Sterling lets out a nervous laugh.

“Her name is April.” Sterling can’t stop the smile on her face that comes from saying April’s name.

Sterling launched into the story. About everything. From growing up together. To the fight in fifth grade. The condom and fellowship drama. The bounty hunting and Mr. Stevens. The forensics tournament. Sterling even tells her about the closet masturbation, because _it’s Nicole, she can tell anything to Nicole._ Sterling continues the story. She talks about the secret dating… if she could call the first thing dating. The Lock-In and the stupid bench Sterling still can’t look at.

She talks about her apology to April for pressuring her about coming out and for arresting her dad. About April’s apology for how she acted at the Lock-In. By the time she reaches the present state of their relationship, she’s winded.

“-And now I can’t stop thinking about her and every time I’m around her I can feel the words bubbling out of me but I can’t say that!” She finishes with a flourish.

Nicole smirks.

“What?”

“It’s nice to see you happy, Sterling.”

Sterling blushes.

“Sterling, you already know I’m not here to tell you what to do. I want you to do what’s best for you based on your own decisions and I hope I can guide you to figuring out what those decisions would be for you.”

Sterling nods.

“I think given what you’ve said about each of your relationships with honesty within your home lives’ that you should feel safe telling her.”

“But what if she doesn’t say it back?” Sterling wrings her hands nervously.

“Does loving her rely on her reciprocating those feelings? Are you going to stop loving her if she can’t say those words?”

“No.”

“Do you think she will be offended if you tell her that you love her?”

“Well, no.” Sterling blinks.

“Then what is there to lose?”

Sterling feels her throat close. The memory of _that night._ Slow burn. That stupid bench. How the rain mixed with her tears. April dodging her kiss.

“What if… It’s just that-- I don’t want it to be like....” Sterling tries to wrap her words around her fear, but can’t spit it out.

“Are you worried that if you tell her it will be like the Lock-In again?”

Sterling’s eyes sting as she quickly nods.

Nicole nods, “I know it is hard to be vulnerable, but I think you are strong.”

Sterling smiles, but she’s not entirely convinced. 

If this went bad she doesn’t know what she would do. April was everywhere. She permeated Sterling’s mind. Sterling would need to delete, like, a lot of Spotify playlists. And never watch Star Wars, like ever. And what was she supposed to do about Willingham? Everywhere on campus screamed April. She’s gonna be screwed if April doesn’t react well.

“And Sterling… I think the feelings are mutual.”

Sterling snaps out of her spiral. “W-what? How do you know?”

“Intuition.” Nicole smiles and winks, “And… based on what you’ve said. It’s pretty clear.”

Sterling smiles. Maybe Nicole is right. 

She leaves the office feeling lighter. The words are on the tip of her tongue again, but she’s not as afraid of them this time.

*****

April picks her up for their date. Sterling didn’t even know April could drive, but thanks to Blair needing the Volt to do something (Sterling suspects something has to do with Hannah B) April had to pick her up.

And… Wow. The sight of April driving back roads with one hand on the wheel and the other holding Sterling’s is something that _really does it_ for her.

Sterling watches April mouth along to the song playing from her phone plugged into the aux. She doesn’t pay enough attention to hear the lyrics, too focused on the way April’s lips curl around the words. How her eyes focus on the road. How her thumb taps Sterling knuckles to the beat of the song.

“What?” April glances over at Sterling.

Sterling blushes as she’s caught staring. “Nothing… I-”

“I already told you, it’s a surprise. And I don’t give away surprises. Just ask Ezekiel, when we were reading Harry Potter in fourth grade I finished ahead of him, obviously, and he kept trying to get me to spoil the ending but there was no way I was going to let him know.” April trails off with a blush as she realizes the ranting backstory wasn’t all that necessary.

Sterling’s cheeks hurt from her wide smile. “It’s not that. I…”

April glances over curiously. Eyes soft and persuasive.

She should say it. Nicole’s right. She should just say it.

“I-”

“Oh, fuck you!” April screams and lays on her horn when a pick-up truck swerves into the road ahead of them. “Asshole.” April breathes hard.

Sterling files April’s road rage _swearing_ under her list of things about April that _do it_ for her.

“Sorry, about that. What were you saying?” April asks, eyes now glued to the road. Both hands on the wheel.

Sterling thinks maybe she can wait for a moment when April isn’t driving to tell her.

“I just love it when you wear your hair down.”

April blushes and runs a hand through her hair. 

Sterling smiles and giggles when she feels April reach for her hand again.

*****

Sterling couldn’t stop smiling.

April had led her to a small meadow for a picnic. Sterling could barely concentrate on eating when all she could look at is the way the sun looked like on April’s hair. About how her eyes sparkled and crinkled every time she smiled. About how the low cut of April’s tank top was leading to some dangerous thoughts.

Now they hold hands, laid out on the blanket with their sides pressed together and legs tangled. The sun dips behind a nearby tree casting shade over them. The coolness desperately helped Sterling’s mind. She tried to focus on the cumulus clouds above her and not her heart pounding in her chest.

April was the one who had nervously rambled on about the cloud types when they first laid down. She was so cute, and smart, and pretty while she rattled off the difference between cumulus, cumulonimbus, and cirrocumulus clouds… Sterling forgot the rest to be honest. She was too busy focusing on the sound of April’s voice and the feeling of her arm pressed against her. And the way her voice… _Wait… what was she supposed to be doing?_ Clouds! Right.

One cloud blob catches her eye. She points, “Look, that one’s a dragon putting hot sauce on a taco!”

April burst into laughter next to her. Sterling looks over at her and her breath catches.

April looks at the cloud and smiles at it, before directing the smile at Sterling, “You’re right. It does look like that.”

“Right!?” Sterling exclaims in excitement, “See that part’s the tail, and there’s the taco, and-”

April rolls over to kiss her. Sterling can’t help the contented hum that comes out on its own accord.

Suddenly, April is on top of her. Straddling her waist. Her hands rest gently on Sterling’s face and collarbone. Her hair drapes down around them. Sterling’s hands reach into April’s hair as she pulls her closer. She moves them down April’s back, tracing down her spine.

April pulls back for a moment and Sterling whines at the loss of lips. Then groans as April’s hips shift downward while she bends to connect her lips to Sterling’s throat. One of her hands reach back into April’s hair on its own, the other grips her hip.

April sucks on her pulse point and Sterling is gone. 

Then as soon as she was all over her, April spring upright. 

“Wh-what?” Sterling blinks in confusion.

“I, um…” April drags her hands down Sterling’s arms nervously. She seems to realize she’s _on top_ of Sterling and her eyes widen, “Uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to.” April moves to get off of her, but Sterling pulls her hips back down.

“No, uh. It’s okay. Stay there.” Both of them blush at Sterling’s words.

They stare at each other for a moment. Then simultaneously--

“I--”

“I--”

They giggle.

“You first.” Sterling runs a hand up and down April’s side.

“I told Ezekiel and Hannah B about us.”

Sterling’s heart leaps. “You did?”

April nods and bites back a smile, “I figured they were a safe option and I…” Sterling hangs onto April’s every word. April gives her a look. “I needed to tell someone about you.”

Sterling’s heart swells. Her blood feels like it’s buzzing. She wants to say it, but first, “What did they say?”

“Well, Ezekiel said, ‘yeah, I have eyes and a functioning gaydar,’ and mentioned how he thought it was cute that I thought I was fooling him. And Hannah B squealed and asked if we could go on a double date which I guess confirms whatever is going on with her and Blair.”

Sterling launches her body upward and tackles April to the ground in a hug. 

“Sterl!” April squeals. 

“I’m so proud of you.” Sterling breathes the words into April’s hair.

April squeezes her tighter. “Thank you.”

They pull back from one another and sit up. April giggles. Sterling can sense how much lighter April must feel after telling someone.

“I told my therapist about you.” The words are out of Sterling’s mouth before she can process them. 

April is taken aback. 

Sterling assumes the short silence is April _not_ being okay with this. She rambles to fill the space, “Don’t worry! She won’t tell anyone. She literally can’t. Patient confidentiality and all that, ya know?” April blinks trying to keep up with Sterling’s rapid-fire words, “But I needed advice and Blair isn’t always helpful, and I needed an adult opinion. And I tell Nicole everything, but I had been leaving you out because I didn’t know if you would want that, but I needed to--”

“Sterl.” April smiles, grabbing her wrist and stopping her mid-ramble. “I… I don’t know what to… You really told your therapist about me?”

Sterling nods, “Please don’t be mad. Like I said I swear she won’t tell any--”

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

April shakes her head and stares at Sterling in awe. “I’m… I kinda feel… honored. Is that weird?”

Sterling shakes her head no.

“I didn’t even know you were in therapy.” 

“Yeah, ever since… you know. _That night._ ” Sterling tries to play it off casually. Not wanting to think about the details of that night any longer than necessary.

April tackles her into her own hug. Her grip around Sterling’s shoulders is intense and just _so April_. She peppers kisses across Sterling’s face. Words between each kiss. “I’m. So. Proud. Of. You.” Sterling giggles and pulls April into a real kiss.

They’ve somehow found themselves back in the same position as before. April’s hips rock into Sterling’s. Her lips move down her jaw and Sterling whimpers..Her mind is just April. 

April told her friends about her. That has to mean something. Could it mean…

Sterling gasps as April hits a sensitive spot under her ear.

“April, I--”

A guitar strums nearby and April tenses above her. She quickly rolls off of Sterling.

“Do you hear that?”

Sterling listens closely to the guitar. A feminine voice joins it to sing, “Oh Blair, I wanna feel you close.”

Sterling frowns. Blair? It couldn’t be.

“Is that Hannah B?” April whispers.

“Oh Blair, Come lie with my bones. Oh Blair, Don't look away. Oh Blairbear, Just look at me the same.”

April and Sterling stand up and creep towards a hedge.

“I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips. I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath.”

They turn the corner to, sure enough, see Blair clap excitedly while Hannah B finishes serenading her.

“Han! That was so good! And the lyrics are usually your name!”

“I know, B!” Hannah sets the guitar aside. “So what do you think?”

“It was awesome!”

“No, like… the song title…I wanna be your girl in red,” Hannah B blushes.

Sterling’s eyebrows raise. _Damn, that was smooth Hannah B._

“Do you wanna…. Be my girl--”

“Duhhh, B. Of course, I wanna be your girlfriend,” Blair smiles and leans in to kiss Hannah.

April gasps.

“Blair!” Sterling exclaims in shock.

Blair screams and jumps away from Hannah, “Sterling, what are you doing here?!”

“What are _you_ doing here!?”

“April! Oh my goodness, what are the odds! Hey! Did you tell Sterling?” Hannah B waves.

April turns red. “Not now, Hannah B.”

“Tell me what?” Sterling frowns in confusion.

“For your information, Sterling. My _girlfriend_ was taking me on a date when you decided to rudely interrupt.” Blair 

“Yeah, Ezekiel recommended this spot, he said it was super romantic and I only want the best for my _girlfriend_.”

April was bristling next to Sterling. “ _Freaking, Ezekiel._ That little...” Sterling caught her mutter under her breath, “I told him we were coming here today. He probably thought this would be funny. I swear the second I see him on Monday, I’m gonna--”

Blair rolled her eyes, “Okay, I really don’t care for the backstory Miss Stick-Up-The-Butt. If you could just leave me and my girlfriend alone that would be great.”

April tensed, ready to fire back an insult until Sterling’s hand worked its way into hers. Squeezing a few times.

Sterling glared at Blair straight into Twin Vision.

_“Blair! Be nice!”_

_“Sterl, I’m trying my hardest. I could’ve said way worse things! But you guys have the worst timing and Stevens is on my last nerve.”_

_“I have the worst timing! You interrupt me anytime I’m about to tell April I love her!”_

_Blair’s eyes widen, “You are gonna tell her now? I thought you didn’t want to.”_

_“I talked to Nicole about it and she said I should follow my heart and be honest.”_

_“Sterl, I love that for you!”_

_“Thank you! It’s really nerve-wracking.”_

_“You’re so brave! Like the bravest person I know.”_

_“Congratulations with Hannah B. Girlfriends, huh? Haven’t you only been seeing her for like two weeks?”_

_“Well… uhhh… About that. I may have started talking to her while you weren’t going to school…”_

_“You what!?”_

_“She was the only person who treated me normally and actually cared to ask about me, not just you… no offense, but I could only handle Stevens bothering me about you so much… And I don’t know we just connected I guess.”_

_Sterling nods, “As soon as we get home you owe me a long explanation.”_

_“Twin swear!” Blair glances at Hannah, “I really like her, Sterl.”_

_“I’m so happy for you! Now, can you please be nice to April so maybe we could one day go on a double date.”_

_“Ughhhh gross.” Blair groans._

Blair breaks Twin Vision, “Sorry, April. That was rude. I hope you and Sterling enjoy the rest of your date as long as it is very far away from my vicinity. I don’t want to hear the sex noises.”  
Sterling bit back a laugh, Blair was trying at least. April gaped at Blair in confusion.

“We’re-- we aren’t…” April stumbled before gathering herself, “If you think I’m going to get charged with public indecency when I will be running for elected office one day you are sorely mistaken.”

Blair raised her eyebrows and smirks.

Sterling brushed the hair away from April’s ear to whisper, “Come on. I think we were in the middle of something.” She squeezes her hand and kisses her cheek.

April blushes rapidly. They’ve never shown affection in front of anyone.

This was new and while April enjoyed it, she didn’t know what to do or how to function anymore.

“Awww” Hannah B croons, “Aren’t they cute, Blairbear?”

“I guess… in a gross, it’s my sister and _April_ way.” 

“I bet nobody will see us if we’re in your car. No need to worry about _indecent exposure._ ” Sterling whispers again. Her lips brush against April’s ear.

April’s ears turn red. Her grip tightens around Sterling’s hand. Sterling smirks.

Sterling jots _flustered April_ into her list of things that _do it for her_ before pulling her away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hannah/blair nation how we feeling????

**Author's Note:**

> what do u think? did ya like it?


End file.
